D. Cameron: Ok people. Time for a meeting. The happiest time of year is coming up and we need to prepare.

G. Osbourne: What do you mean “happiest time”? Am I in trouble? You can’t blame me for people being happy. I’m doing my best y’know.

D. Cameron: Not at all Georgie. You’re doing a fine job.Suicide amongst the working classes is at an all time high.

M. Gove: Aren’t you going to take the register?

V. Cable: Is this likely to take long?

G. Osbourne: I’m in trouble, aren’t I?

M. Gove: I can’t believe we’re having an assembly without first taking the register!

O. Paterson: Are there any nibbles?

N. Clegg: Um..excuse me…

M. Gove: I mean…what if someone is bunking off? How would anyone know if a register isn’t taken?

G. Osbourne: It was that VAT thing with the sausage rolls, wasn’t it? I knew you weren’t going to let me forget that.

D. Cameron: Danny sorted out the nibbles. What have we got today, Dan?

V. Cable: Where’s the agenda? Did anyone get an agenda? I haven’t got an agenda. Why haven’t I got the agenda?

W. Hague: Are we plotting another invasion? The South of France is nice at this time of year.

D. Cameron: You’re not in trouble, George.

N. Clegg: Um…sorry…excuse me?

W. Hague: We could leak a story about terrorists  hiding sticks of dynamite  in baguettes. Maybe hand grenades disguised as bulbs of garlic.  Shouldn’t be too difficult to come up with something…What’s President Benson over the pond think of all this?

D. Paterson: Nothing too lavish today I’m afraid. Only one pound of Beluga caviar instead of the usual two and a ’75 Chablis instead of ’76. Looks like black truffle shavings instead of white too. Damn I hate political correctness.

Cameron: We aren’t invading anybody, Bill. At least, not until after Christm-

T. May (COUGH!!!)

D. Cameron: Oops sorry! After Winterval is what I meant to say.

T. May: Actually it’s not Winterval anymore either. We thought that might be offensive to Elves.

N. Clegg: Awfully sorry..um…but…um…

G. Osbourne: I’ve got it!! What if I cut benefits? Will that get me off the hook? Lets abolish bus passes for OAP’s. Lets face it, they’re a bloody menace anyway getting all…y’know,old…without so much as a pardon me.

D. Cameron: For Go’d sake Danny! I can’t trust you with anything can I? There’ll be a bloody public outcry if anyone finds out.  Everyone knows 1975 was a shit year for grapes!

M. Gove: Talking of Elves, have I ever mentioned I was once in a school production of Santa Claus is Coming to Town?

T. May: Now it’s Seasonal Celebration of No Particular Religious Denomination Which Is Not Intended In Any Way Shape Or Form To Undermine Oppress Or Fail To Recognise Those Members of The United Kingdom Who Whilst They May Not Have Been Born Here Are Nevertheless Citizens Of Equal Worth And Value In Our Great Multicultural Society In Which All Are Welcome No Matter Colour Gender or Race!

W. Hague: What invading about the Carribean? The wife’s been bugging me to take her over for a romantic break for ages. What have they got that we want?

D. Cameron: LOOK! WE AREN’T INVADING ANYONE, OK?!

M. Gove: “Oh! You’d better watch out, you’d better not cry..”

N. Clegg: Look. I really hate to bother anyone…

G. Osbourne: How about a cull? The firstborn of everyone on an income less than 45K a year. If it was good enough for Herod…Ties in with the Christmas celebrations too?

D. Cameron: What is it, Nick?!

M. Gove: “You’d better not pout ‘cause I’m a tellin’ you why..”



D. Cameron: YOU AREN’T IN TROUBLE, GEORGE! WILL YOU JUST FUCKING SHUT UP AND LISTEN?!

T. May: Will you please stop saying the word Christmas?! I told you! It's "Seasonal Celebration of No Particular Religious Denomination Which Is Not Intended In Any Way-

N. Clegg: It's just that...um...er...oh dammit! It's happened again. I've fucking forgotten!

M.Gove: “Santa Claus is coming to town! Santa Claus is coming to town! Santa Claus is coming…

D. Cameron: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!! WILL YOU ALL JUST FUCKING SHUT UP?!

(stunned pause)

M. Gove: (whispers) ..”to town.”

Fade to black